The Kugelmass Episode

"The Kugelmass Episode" is a short story by Woody Allen, originally published in The New Yorker in 1977. Allen uses a fantastic premise to study modern dissatisfaction with life and the ways indulging in fantasy can ultimately do more harm than good.

The story begins by laying out the middle-aged Professor Kugelmass’ problems: He is divorced and paying steep alimony and child support bills, and his second marriage, to an ‛oaf’ named Daphne, is an unhappy one. He complains to his analyst that he couldn’t have predicted that his second wife would gain weight and be disappointing. He states that he feels he needs to have a love affair before he gets too old to do so. He conflates the love affair with a jet-set lifestyle, wishing to experience European travel and expensive dinners as well. His analyst, Dr. Mandel, argues that he is being unrealistic: None of these activities will actually solve his problems. He urges Kugelmass to concentrate on the hard work of delving into himself and solving his fundamental unhappiness, but Kugelmass rejects this idea and suggests instead that what he needs is a magician.

Kugelmass fires Mandel. One evening while at home with his wife, Kugelmass gets a call from The Great Persky, a magician who has heard of the professor’s desires. Kugelmass goes to meet with Persky at his run-down apartment, and Persky orders Kugelmass to get into a strange cabinet. Kugelmass hesitates, but complies, and Persky tells him that he will be projected into any book that is placed into the cabinet with him.

Kugelmass is doubtful, and suggests this is just a way to scam $20 out of him. Persky is insistent, however, and asks Kugelmass to suggest a book to test the cabinet on. Kugelmass wants a French lover, and Persky eventually hits on Emma Bovary from the novel by Flaubert, Madame Bovary. Persky throws the novel into the cabinet, knocks three times, and when he opens it again Kugelmass is gone.

Kugelmass finds himself in Emma Bovary’s house with the character herself, who is very beautiful and flirtatious. She offers him some wine, which he gratefully accepts. Emma is charmed by Kugelmass’ strange ways, and they kiss. Realizing he will be late in the real world for an appointment with his wife, Kugelmass calls out to Persky, who removes him from the book. Kugelmass eagerly sets up another appointment for the next day, and rushes to meet Daphne, unaware that all over the world he has suddenly and inexplicably appeared in the pages of the novel Madame Bovary.

Kugelmass returns to Emma and they make love. He continues his affair, warning Persky to ensure he always enters the novel before a certain point in the story when a wealthy rival for Emma’s affections arrives. Kugelmass continues to charm her with stories of the modern world, including O.J. Simpson and the Academy Awards. Emma wishes to see the real world, and Kugelmass asks Persky if this would be possible. Persky says he will have to investigate.

At home, Daphne is becoming suspicious of Kugelmass’ absences, and accuses him of an affair. Kugelmass puts her suspicions off, and returns to Persky the next day. He meets with Emma, and then manages to bring her into the real world. Emma is delighted as they go out for a night on the town. All over the world, academics are mystified at all of this new material in the classic novel.

When Kugelmass brings Emma back to Persky’s, however, she is unable to return to the book. After a week of being trapped in the real world, Emma begins to demand that Kugelmass marry her, and he finds himself in the exhausting, stressful situation of having a kept woman at the plaza hotel. Emma meets a producer who offers her an acting role, and Kugelmass and she fight jealously.

Kugelmass demands Persky help him; not only is this an expensive situation for him, but he’s been identified as the mysterious Jewish character who has suddenly appeared in the novel, and a colleague has threatened to tell his wife. Finally Persky announces he’s solved the problem, and Kugelmass brings Emma back to the cabinet, and she disappears.

A few weeks later, Kugelmass returns to Persky and sheepishly asks for another vacation in a book. This time he suggests Portnoy’s Complaint. Persky agrees, but tells him the price has gone up for future visits, though he will give him this first trip for free. Kugelmass agrees, and gets into the cabinet. Persky tosses in a book and knocks three times, and Kugelmass vanishes.

There is a strange explosion, however, and a shower of sparks. Startled, Persky has a heart attack. The cabinet bursts into flame, and eventually the entire building is destroyed. Kugelmass is unaware of this, however, having discovered that Persky tossed in the wrong book—a book on Remedial Spanish. Kugelmass is being chased through a desert by an irregular verb, described as 'large and hairy.’