Sedaris is hired as a poorly paid writing instructor despite having no prior experience teaching writing. His teaching style is comprised of activities such as Celebrity Corner where students share celebrity related news or Pillow Talk where students share stories of romance and sexual encounters. When he does not know what to do, he shows taped episodes of One Life to Live. Soon, student complaints about his teaching style make their way to administration. Sedaris speculates that one of the complaints comes from an older student he refers to as “the returning student.” In one class, “the returning student” confronts Sedaris’s unsatisfactory critique of her work by demanding that he explain his authority. Sedaris responds, “I am the only one who is paid to be in this room” (93). Another student asks how much he is paid. When he responds, the students all burst into laughter.

Sedaris goes to Easter Sunday dinner with his sister Amy at their mutual friend, John’s place in Chicago. There, he encounters a large brown turd in the bathroom. He attempts to flush the turd unsuccessfully, sending him on a panicked spiral to rid the evidence or else be mistakenly identified as the one who left the turd there in the first place.