Sedaris struggles with falling asleep naturally. He is accustomed to “passing out” (248) after drinking heavily. His heavy drinking is a carryover from his years of drug use. As he works to remedy his sleeping habits, he reveals that one way to get through the night without drinking is to indulge in several fantasies that he calls “Mr. Science,” “The Knockout” and “I’ve Got a Secret.”

In his “Mr. Science” fantasy, he is a genius scientist who gains worldwide recognition after creating a serum that expediates the growth of trees. This innovation leads him to develop cures for nearly every disease from cancer to various sexually transmitted illnesses. In “The Knockout,” he is a medical student who accidentally stumbles into a successful heavyweight championship career. When he is outed in the media after being discovered with a dream-altered version of Hugh, he is frustrated at the public attention surrounding his sexuality. He wins each match easily, concluding at the end of this fantasy that boxing is only a means to support his medical student career. In “I’ve Got a Secret,” he is a female White House intern whose affair with the U.S. President lands her a lot of unwanted attention.