She's Not There

She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders is an LGBT memoir by Jennifer Finney Boylan. Published in 2003 by Broadway Books, it covers Boylan’s transition from man to woman and the difficulties she faces along the way. She’s Not There is the first book published by a freely transgender American woman to become a bestseller, and it received widespread praise for its bravery and honesty. Boylan, originally called James, published many books under her birth name. She now serves on the Maryland Policy Advisory Board of Gender Rights, and she regularly appears on the reality TV show I Am Cait.

Boylan wants to show the internal struggle which all transgender people experience while growing up and coming to terms with who they really are. She also wants readers to understand the difficulties people face when coming out to their loved ones and undergoing extensive and invasive procedures for gender reassignment.

The book conveys how difficult it is for a transgendered person to deny his or her true self for so long as well as how difficult it is to have the courage to be who he or she really is. A key theme is how illogical it is to use genitalia to ascribe gender to someone, as gender is much more complicated than this. The book raises awareness of the discrimination transgender people face and the part society can all play in ending this inequality.



She’s Not There opens with Boylan picking up student hitchhikers and giving them a ride. She recognizes one of them as a student she taught when she was still male. The student doesn’t recognize her, and Boylan can’t decide how she feels about this. It’s this confusion which makes her think back to how people always saw her as a boy, although she always knew she was a girl.

It’s always frustrated her that gender assignment is so arbitrary and that other people effectively try to decide it for us. She always felt like a girl even though she technically had a boy’s body, and she had no idea how to communicate this to anyone. She spent much of her childhood feeling ashamed of both her body and her thoughts and even prayed that falling in love one day would somehow “cure” her of this feeling.

However, this doesn’t happen because Boylan knows now that gender isn’t something to be “cured.” One of the most heart-breaking times of her life is when she marries a woman while she’s still a man, and it feels like she’s living a lie each day. There comes a point when she must reveal the truth to her wife, Grace, and she’s sure Grace will leave her.



Grace, however, doesn’t want to end the marriage. She’s shocked at first, but she wants to stay married and show their family what it means to love another and be supportive. Their love is very pure and admirable, and they’re best friends as much as partners. Boylan feels incredibly blessed to have someone like Grace in her life, who stuck with her through all the difficulties of gender reassignment and through coming out to their families.

Boylan’s two children learn how to handle having a parent living in two genders before she has the reassignment surgery. It’s not easy for them, but their relationship with Boylan only gets stronger because of it. There’s a sense of openness in that the children can talk to their parents about anything, which is the kind of support that not all children are afforded.

Some critics note that She’s Not There doesn’t go far enough in showing how difficult and dark transgender life can get because it focuses mainly on the positives. However, others, particularly transgender individuals, are inspired by the book and its sense of hopefulness. The book helps them with their own journeys to accepting their identities. Moreover, Boylan doesn’t pretend that transitioning is easy. She meets resistance from family members, some of whom will never accept the reality of who Boylan is. Although this is hard on Boylan, she’s comforted by the amount of love and support she does receive.



As She’s Not There is a memoir, Boylan spends much of the book recalling how she feels inside. She remembers one particularly poignant moment when she wakes up in the morning and realizes that she doesn’t need female genitalia to prove that she’s a woman—she knows inside that she is one. This is an important moment for her, and she knows that it’s time to confront the truth, even if she is 40 years old and married.

Boylan knows that some readers won’t be convinced by her seemingly unwavering optimism. She explains that her mother always knew something was different and accepted Boylan anyway. This gave Boylan the hope that others in her life would feel the same way, and she was right. She also addresses the issues facing transgender individuals who don’t get that same support and how damaging this is.