Necessary Losses

Necessary Losses is a 1986 non-fiction book by American author Judith Viorst. Best known as an author of children’s literature, and a long-time columnist for Redbook Magazine, Viorst writes about the sequence of difficult challenges that lie in the path of personal development. Choosing to focus on the development of one’s identity and humanity, rather than profession, she frames this self-development in terms of loss; that is, the various assumptions, possessions, and connections one must inevitably give up as one ages. The two most central of these, Viorst believes, are the loss of the mother’s connection to her child and the final loss that means death. Viorst borrows many concepts from the history of psychoanalysis, themes from literature, and her own experience, ultimately exhorting her readers to see past simplistic metaphors and value creativity, complexity, and ambiguity.

Necessary Losses comprises a mosaic of literary forms, from philosophical treatises to short essays, personal anecdotes, and poems. It attempts to address loss across the whole lifespan, focusing on the losses that everyone must experience. For each loss, Viorst suggests, there is a corresponding gain, whether it is new knowledge—such as that of sexual desire after adolescence—or a virtue, such as resilience after grieving the loss of a loved one. At the beginning of every life, one experiences the loss of oneness with one’s biological mother. The woman whose body once contained and automatically nourished us becomes a mother and a protector as well—these new roles, Viorst suggests, are meaningful gains. As we grow older, new experiences paradoxically narrow our conceptions of self, and we surprise ourselves by being unlike who we once thought we were and might have been. These surprises are gains in themselves.

After describing the various losses one undergoes as a child, many of which relate to the literary and philosophical idea of the loss of innocence, Viorst moves on to adult loss. She notes that adult losses are not intrinsically more difficult than childhood losses; in fact, it can be argued that childhood losses are more absolute and global, involving almost every aspect of self and undermining one’s limited knowledge set. Still, most people are able to pick up and move on from loss. One of the distinctive losses of adulthood is grief. There is no set way to deal with grief, which Viorst describes as an abstract yearning for something that is no longer there. She suggests that mourning is vital to processing grief and restoring one’s mental and physical well-being. Fixating on one’s grief, conversely, can cause sickness. Viorst asserts that the loss of a loved one, no matter how important he or she was, also has a finite duration: the person who grieves adapts to the loved one’s absence and moves on.



Viorst also describes the imperceptibly slow process of aging as a form of loss. She says that we often think of aging individuals as disposable because we have decided that their changing capacities, attitudes, and needs no longer fit in with our lives. Eventually, one’s own body displays signs of old age. This can be a supremely isolating experience. Viorst argues that it need not be so: aging can open up new horizons for self-improvement, even as it limits the body and mind.

Viorst closes with some advice about dying. She rejects the notion that death is a textbook procedure made up of many stages that should be dutifully followed to optimize one’s quality of life. Rather, she asserts that everyone experiences death differently, simply because everyone has different attachments, personalities, and memories. As an example, she uses her sister, who dealt with her impending death gracefully and strove to choose the terms of her passing. Viorst validates the classic “struggle against death” as a method of coping, as well as other methods, including suicide. Just as there is no right way to live one’s life, there is no right way to die. Necessary Losses is a book about how to live a good life as much as it is a book about navigating loss.