Etched In Sand

Etched in Sand: A True Story of Five Siblings Who Survived an Unspeakable Childhood on Long Island (2013) by high-powered attorney Regina Calcaterra is a memoir of her extremely abusive childhood and the path she and her sisters took toward success. The book became a bestseller around the globe. Its themes include resilience, abuse, and the drive to help others. The memoir is conveyed in the present tense.

As the memoir opens, Regina, a successful lawyer and government administrator, is orchestrating a response effort to Hurricane Sandy. It then zooms back to stories from her adverse childhood. Regina and her four other siblings worked to survive on Long Island, New York as homeless children. Sometimes, they would wander out onto the beach and write their respective names in the sand. In birth order, their names are Cherie, Camille, Regina, Norman, and Rosie. The title takes its name from this childhood ritual.

In the summer of 1980, the neighborhood they live in Suffolk County, Long Island is dangerous: it is recovering from a cocaine epidemic; there’s no reliable public transportation; their mother calls her young children “sluts and whores.” She does not work, relying on her five kids for welfare checks that pay for rent, food, and electricity. The author’s mother, Cookie, is mentally disturbed. Unable to control any of her impulses, she is frequently promiscuous and dresses with her breasts on prominent display. Her discipline is arbitrary and volatile; she would hit any of her children without a second of thought. Whenever she takes the children to their grandparent’s home, the grandparents aren’t happy to see Cookie.



Cookie has five children, all from different fathers. Cookie drops Regina, a toddler, off at the homes of her various boyfriends or distant family members. As Regina grows, so does Cookie’s addiction to alcohol. She ends up leaving her small children anywhere convenient for her: parking lots, abandoned houses, shelters for women and children. Regina increasingly wonders who her paternal father is.

The author describes how, when she was eight, she and her siblings vowed to stay together and support each other. They couldn’t imagine being separated in foster care. To make that work, they resorted to stealing clothes and food. Each of them became adept at making excuses for their mother’s absence and could explain away any of the bruises their mother gave them.

Meanwhile, Regina learns that the man she believes to be her biological father does not wish to acknowledge her as his daughter. She grows closer with her older sister, Camille, who will become her best friend as they move toward adulthood. Cherie, the eldest, has a baby with her boyfriend, another teenager, and they soon marry; with a new family, Cherie no longer has to take care of her siblings, and Camille takes over many responsibilities.



One night, when Regina is middle school age, Cookie returns to their slum apartment drunk. She takes her anger out on the youngest daughter, Rose. Usually, Camille would redirect Cookie’s rage, but Camille hasn’t been home for months. So, Regina intervenes, and Cookie responds by beating her to the edge of consciousness. A teacher suspects abuse and reports the family to a social worker. One day, Regina comes home to find a social worker waiting to speak to her. In the past, Regina and all of her siblings showed great skill in presenting as if everything were fine in the home. But after the beating, Regina has had enough. She admits that her mother is an unstable parent and frequently abusive to all of them.

The younger children are forced into one foster home, and Camille and Regina move into a house managed by Addie and Peter. The older couple is nice to them and has strict, but very clear, rules.

At fourteen, Regina chooses to be legally emancipated from her mother. While grateful to be away from her mother, Regina is disappointed that she now has to live with various foster parents. Addie and Peter, however, help her create a more stable life. The major disappointment during the emancipation process is that Rose and Norman, the younger siblings, are not freed from Cookie’s guardianship. Regina had only agreed to the emancipation process if her younger siblings could also be freed; she’s bitterly disappointed that the system let her family down. Cookie moves the younger children to Idaho. When Rose and Norman next talk to Regina, they admit that her abusive behavior has only increased.



Regina studies government in college and completes law school before working for New York State as an attorney. Her studies are motivated by the need to understand why the government couldn’t help all of her siblings; she becomes a lawyer to defend others who find themselves in similarly unjust situations. She eventually becomes the Executive Director of the New York State Moreland Commission on Utility Preparation and Response.

Eight years after receiving her law degree, Regina wins a civil case IN RE: the Parentage Regina M. Calcaterra. The case is the first to judge that adult children can use DNA testing to know who their biological father is. Eventually, Regina becomes a partner at a successful law firm.

The author closes her memoir with an exhortation for people to believe in their capacity for success despite all obstacles.